PATRICKS DAY JOKES AND HUMOR PAGE 3.
of you a safe and vomitous free Saint Paddy's.
Here shall we host those
Day Jokes and General Saint Paddy's Day Humor that we have
received over the years.
You might look at this as a One stop
Day / Irish Jokes and Humor resource page.
We realize that the whole Idea of a Saint Patrick's Day Humor Page Borders on
Bigotry to a major degree but when it's funny, it's funny.
In an effort to
conserve some space we are going to put several jokes on each page of
this section and we will try to mix them up for varieties sake.
We hope you like the St. Paddy's Day Joke
selection. Be sure to pass this page around to help us out. You might
also check out a sponsor if you see one of interest.
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The Oddball collective puts great stock in
the well known fact that the Irish are a wonderful and well humored
people We are sure that the seeming bigotry of these jokes will not
offend them. Just in case, though, we are having our wives start our
cars for us.
A true Irishman has so much respect for the truth
that he uses it only in emergencies.
Some Quick Irish Jokes
1. Reilly is walking through a graveyard when he comes across a
headstone with the inscription
"Here lies a politician and an honest man."
'Faith now,' exclaims Reilly, 'I wonder how they got the two of
them in one grave.
2. 'O'Toole and his wife are in bed one night and they hear the
neighbor's dog is barking its head off in the garden. Somewhat
disturbed by the noise, O'Toole explodes, 'Botheration and
that!' and storms off downstairs.
He comes back upstairs five minutes later and his wife asks,
'What did you do, O'Toole?'
O'Toole replies with a wide grin, 'I've put the dog in our
garden so I did, now let's see how they like it.'
3. Donncha is shocked at finding out all his cows are suffering
from "Bluetongue." 'Bejabbers,'
Donncha murmurs, 'I didn't even know they had mobile phones.'
4. Gallagher is in Boston and he is waiting patiently, also, he
is watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing.
The cop stops the flow of traffic and shouts, 'Okay
pedestrians'. Then he allows the traffic to pass. He did this
several times, and Gallagher is still standing on the sidewalk.
After the cop has shouted 'Pedestrians' for the tenth time,
Gallagher approaches him and says, 'Is it not about time ye let
the Catholics across?'
5. 'Why do you Irish always answer a question with a question?'
asked President Franklin D. Roosevelt.
'Do we now?' came New York Mayor Al Smith's reply.
6. Finnegan sells Michael a donkey, some weeks later they met in
a pub in Killarney and Michael says, 'Hey, Finnegan, that donkey
you sold me went and died.'
Finnegan just sips his Guinness slowly and retorts, 'Bejabbers,
Michael, it never done that on me.'
7. Murphy lost a hundred dollars on the Melbourne Cup, a famous
Australian horserace. He also lost another hundred on the
8. Kieran O'Connor always slept with his gun under his pillow.
Hearing a noise at the foot of the bed, he shot off his big toe.
'Thank the Lord I wasn't sleeping at the other end of the bed,'
Kieran said to his friends in Donegal's pub. 'I would have blown
my head off.'
9. O'Gara was arrested and sent for trial for armed bank
After due deliberation, the jury foreman stood up and announced,
'That's grand,' shouted O'Gara, 'Does that mean I get to keep
10. 'Ah, that was a lovely dress,' announced Colleen, 'and it
would have fitted me if I could have got into it, so it would.'
11. While in the queue to withdraw cash from the 'hole in the
wall' [ATM] a old lady said she needed to check her balance. So
I pushed her over!
humor for your reading entertainment.
The Doctor was puzzled 'I'm very sorry Mr. O'Flaherty, but I can't diagnose your
trouble. I think it must be the drink.'
'Don't worry about it Dr Cullen, I'll come back when you're sober.' said O'
Pat and Mick landed themselves a job at a sawmill. Just before morning tea Pat
yelled: "Mick! I
lost me finger!"
"Have you now?" says Mick. "And how did you do it?"
"I just touched this big spinning thing here like thi... Darn! There goes
Mick and Paddy were walking home after a night on the beer when a severed head
rolled along the ground.
Mick picked it up to his face and said to Paddy "Jez, but don't that look like
"No," replied Paddy, "Sean were taller than that"
McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time
removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with
olives and all the drinks consumed, he started to leave.
"S'cuse me," said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done.
"What were all that about?"
"Nothing," he replied, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives."
More Good Irish Jokes
In a court in Killarney, deep in Munster, Ireland, this conversation is reported
to have taken place:
Lawyer: 'At the scene of the accident, Mr. O'Shea, did you tell the Garda officer
that you had never felt better in your life?'
O'Shea the farmer: 'That's right, sir.'
Lawyer: 'Well then, Mr. O'Shea, how is it that you are now claiming you were
seriously injured when my client's car hit your cart?'
O'Shea the farmer: 'When the Garda arrived, he went over to my horse, who had a
broken leg, and shot him. Then he went over to Darcy, my dog, who was badly
hurt, and shot him.
Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and
said, 'How are you feeling?' I just thought under the circumstances, it was a
wise choice of words to say: 'I've never felt better in my life.'
An American tourist travelling in County Clare, Ireland came across a little
antique shop in which he was lucky enough to pick up, for a mere 200 Irish punts
($350), the skull of Brian Boru*.
Included in the price was a certificate of the skull's authenticity, signed by
Brian Boru himself.
Fifteen years later the tourist returned to Ireland and asked the man from
Clare, who owned the antique shop, if he had any more bargains.
'I've got the very thing for you, 'said the shopkeeper, 'It's the genuine skull
of Brian Boru.'
'You cheat, 'exploded the American, 'You sold me that fifteen years ago, 'and
look, that one is a lot smaller than the one I have.'
'You have got it wrong, 'opined the seller, ' This is the skull of Brian Boru
when he was a lad.'
O'Neill was suffering from pains in his knees, so he visited Doctor Cullen.
'You're suffering from a disease that we medical experts call "kneeitis",
diagnosed Doctor Cullen.
'Take it easy for a month or so and above all don't climb any stairs. That puts
a terrible strain on the knees.'
A month later O'Neill returned and after a brief examination was found to have
'Can I climb the stairs now Doctor?'
'Certainly,' replied the Doctor Cullen.
'Thank Heavens,' uttered O'Neill, 'I was getting a bit fed up with climbing up
the drainpipe every time I wanted to go to the toilet.'
Kearney and his wife, a middle-aged
couple, went for a stroll in Phoenix Park, Dublin, last
They sat down on a bench to rest. It was then they overheard
voices coming from a secluded spot.
Immediately Mrs. Kearney realized that a young man was about
to propose to his beloved.
Not wishing to eavesdrop at such an intimate moment, she
nudged her husband and whispered, 'He's going to propose
marriage. Whistle and let that young couple know that
someone can hear them.'
Kearney replied, 'Whistle? Why should I whistle? Nobody
whistled to warn me.'
Paddy wanted to be an accountant, so he went and took the Irish accountancy
Examiner: If I give you two rabbits and then I give you another two rabbits, how
many rabbits do you have?
Examiner: No, listen carefully again. If I give you two rabbits and then I give
you another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Examiner: Let's try this another way. If I give you two bottles of beer and then
I give you another two bottles of beer, how many bottles of beer have you got?
Examiner: Good! Now, if I give you two rabbits and then I give you another two
rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Examiner: How on earth do you work out that two lots of two rabbits is five?
Paddy: I've already got one rabbit at home!
[ N E X T ]
We will be adding a few more sections to
this site before putting it to bed for the year.
The Naptown Nomands in association with
like to thank you for continuing to amuse yourselves amongst our many pages.
Hope it was worth a chuckle or three.
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