PATRICKS DAY JOKES AND HUMOR PAGE 4.
of you a safe and vomitous free Saint Paddy's.
Here shall we host those
Day Jokes and General Saint Paddy's Day Humor that we have
received over the years.
You might look at this as a One stop
Day / Irish Jokes and Humor resource page.
We realize that the whole Idea of a Saint Patrick's Day Humor Page Borders on
Bigotry to a major degree but when it's funny, it's funny.
In an effort to
conserve some space we are going to put several jokes on each page of
this section and we will try to mix them up for varieties sake.
We hope you like the St. Paddy's Day Joke
selection. Be sure to pass this page around to help us out. You might
also check out a sponsor if you see one of interest.
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O'Leary went to London and found himself
in the underground late one night. Seeing a notice "DOGS MUST BE CARRIED
ON THE ESCALATOR", he moaned to himself, 'And where am I going to find a
dog at this hour of the night?'
Some Quick Irish Jokes
"Young man," said the judge, looking sternly at the defendant.
"It's alcohol and alcohol alone that's responsible for your
present sorry state!"
"I'mglad to hear you say that," replied Murphy, with a sigh of
relief. "Everybody else says it's all my fault!"
The American tourist in Dublin had been complaining a great deal
about the food.
"Here," he said to the waitress holding out a piece of meat for
inspection, "do you call that pig?"
"Which end of the fork, sir?" the waitress asked sweetly.
The origin of the bagpipes was being discussed and the
representatives of different nations were eagerly disclaiming
responsibility for the instrument.
Finally, and Irishman said, "Well, I'll tell you the truth about
it. The Irish invented them and sold them to the Scots as a
joke; and the Scots haven't seen the joke yet!"
Three old ladies met on the street on a very stormy day. The
wind was so strong and loud that they had difficulty in hearing
"It's windy," said one.
"No, it's Thursday," said the next.
"So am I," said the third. "Let's go and have a drink!"
Boyle sat in a Belfast confessional. "Bless me, Father, for I
have sinned," he said. "I've blown up three hundred miles of
"All right, my son," admonished the priest. "For penance, finish
off the stations!"
McNally was taking his first plane ride, flying over the Rocky
Mountains. The stewardess handed him a piece of chewing gum.
"It's to keep your ears from popping at high altitudes," she
When the plane landed McNally rushed up to her. "Miss," he said,
"I'm meetin' me wife right away. How do I get the gum out of me
In West Kerry, the wife commented, "When we were first
married, you took the small piece of steak and gave me the
larger. You don't love me any more...."
"Nonsense, darling," replied the husband, "you cook much better
humor for your reading entertainment.
|Q: Did you hear about the
Irish abortion clinic?
A: It has a 12 month waiting list.
Q: What's long & green & has a low I.Q.?
A: A St. Patrick's Day Parade
Q: Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's
A: Regular rocks are too heavy.
Q: Why can't you borrow money from a leprechaun?
A: Because they're always a little short.
|Q: How can you tell if an
Irishman is having a good time?
A: He's Dublin over with laughter!
Q: Why did St. Patrick drive the snakes out of
A: He couldn't afford plane fare.
Q: What's Irish and stays out all night?
A: Patty O'furniture!
Q: How did the Irish Jig get started?
A: Too much to drink and not enough restrooms!
More Good Irish Jokes
"Well, Mrs. O'Connor, so you want a divorce?" the solicitor questioned his
"Tell me about it. Do you have a grudge?"
"Oh, no," replied Mrs. O'Connor. "Shure now, we have a carport."
The solicitor tried again. "Well, does the man beat you up?"
"No, no," said Mrs. O'Connor, looking puzzled. "Oi'm always first out of bed."
Still hopeful, the solicitor tried once again.
"What I'm trying to find out are what grounds you have."
"Bless ye, sor. We live in a flat -- not even a window box, let alone grounds."
"Mrs. O'Connor," the solicitor said in considerable exasperation, "you need a
reason that the court can consider.
"What is the reason for you seeking this divorce?"
"Ah, well now," said the lady,
"Shure it's because the man can't hold an intelligent conversation."
MacAndrews was visiting his Irish cousin, O'Bannon. While there he decided to do
a bit of fishing. As he sat there on afternoon, his cousin walked by.
"What are ye doing?" asked O'Bannon.
"Fishin'," said MacAndrews.
"Ach, nae a bite,"
"What are ye usin' fer bait?"
"Let me see it," said O'Bannon.
MacAndrews lifted the line from the water and handed it to his cousin. O'Bannon
took out his flask of potcheen whiskey and dipped the worm in it. He handed it
back to MacAndrews, who cast his line once more. As soon as the worm hit the
water, his rod bent over double, the line screaming out.
"Have ye got a bite?" asked O'Bannon.
"No!" shouted MacAndrews, fighting with the rod, "The worm's got a salmon by the
I first met O'Reilly when I was in St Peter's Hospital, Chertsey, England. He
was in the same ward as me and was lying, quite still, in the bed next to me
when I awoke early on that Friday morning.
I was taken aback because he was swathed in bandages from head to toe, with just
two little slits for his eyes and this made it difficult to engage him in
However, later that same day, his best friend, Dermot Callaghan, came in to
visit O'Reilly and I listened in to their conversation which went as follows:
'What happened to you?' asked Callaghan.
'I staggered out of The Invincible pub, in Shepperton Road, and a lorry hit me a
glancing blow and knocked me through the Co-op's plate glass window,' mumbled
'Begorrah,' exclaimed Callaghan in his broad Munster accent, 'It's a good job
you were wearing all those bandages or you'd have been cut to ribbons!'
'Two Irishman Meet a Suisse Tourist'
A Swiss man, on holiday in Dublin, needed directions. He was
standing outside Davy Byrne's pub when he saw two youths
walking by so he stops them and asks, 'Entschuldigung,
koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?'
The two lads look at each other blankly and stare back at
'Excusez-moi, parlez vous
Français?' He tries.
The two continue to stare.
'Parlare Italiano?' Still
absolutely no response from the two lads.
'Hablan ustedes Espanol?' The
Dublin lads remain totally silent.
The Swiss guy walks off extremely disappointed and
downhearted that he had not been understood. One of the boys
turns to the second and says, 'Y'know, maybe we should learn
a foreign language!'
'Why?' says the youth, 'That guy knew four languages, and it
didn't do him any good!'
Hennessy wasn't a very good looking fellow to start with. Now his business had
failed, and his wife and family had left him. Depressed and distracted, he was
standing near the edge of the bridge, contemplating suicide. Suddenly, he sensed
that someone was behind him, and turning around he saw an ugly little old
"Don't jump," she said, and I'll grant you three wishes."
"Right," he said. "my first wish is to have $100,000."
She said, "When you check your account, you will find that you are in credit to
He then said, "My second wish is to have my wife and children back."
She said, "They will be there when you get home."
He said, "My third wish is to be tall and handsome."
She said, When you look in the mirror, you will find that your wish has been
granted." Then she added, "I want you to do something in return for me. I want
you to kiss me."
He looked at her and shuddered at the thought. But under the circumstances he
thought he should do as she wanted. He took her in his arms and kissed her again
She said, "What age are you?"
He replied, "I'm forty."
She said, "Don't you think that you're a bit too old to be believing in
[ N E X T ]
We will be adding a few more sections to
this site before putting it to bed for the year.
The Naptown Nomands in association with
like to thank you for continuing to amuse yourselves amongst our many pages.
Hope it was worth a chuckle or three.
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