PATRICKS DAY JOKES AND HUMOR PAGE 5.
of you a safe and vomitous free Saint Paddy's.
Here shall we host those
Day Jokes and General Saint Paddy's Day Humor that we have
received over the years.
You might look at this as a One stop
Day / Irish Jokes and Humor resource page.
We realize that the whole Idea of a Saint Patrick's Day Humor Page Borders on
Bigotry to a major degree but when it's funny, it's funny.
In an effort to
conserve some space we are going to put several jokes on each page of
this section and we will try to mix them up for varieties sake.
We hope you like the St. Paddy's Day Joke
selection. Be sure to pass this page around to help us out. You might
also check out a sponsor if you see one of interest.
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Paddy Murphy arrived at Boston's Logon
airport and wandered about the terminal with tears streaming down his
cheeks. A Texan asked him if he was homesick.
'No, 'replied the Irishman.' It's worse, I have, I've lost all me
'That's terrible, how did that happen?'
'The cork fell out of me bottle.' Said Paddy.
Some Quick Irish Jokes
Murphy and O'Brien go out into the woods, they come a
clearing and see an abandoned well. Murphy said 'I wonder how
deep that well is?'
O'Brien said, 'There's one way we could figure it out'.
Murphy says, 'What's that?'
O'Brien says, 'We drop something down it, we time how long it
takes to hit the bottom, you multiply that time 32 feet per
second squared, the rate at which objects fall in a vacuum,
subtract a little for wind resistance and we've got the depth of
Murphy says, ' What are you going to drop down it?'
Then O'Brien looked all around and he saw this big heavy log
lying on the ground. Next he squats down by the log and, using
his legs correctly, he gets it up onto his shoulders and
staggers over to the edge of the well, tips it up, drops it into
the well and they start to count, 'One hippopotamus, two
Murphy said, 'Three seconds!'
O'Brien said, 'Quick, multiply that time 32 feet per second
squared!' '288 feet!', Murphy said. 'Subtract a little for wind
resistance, let's say 18 feet. The depth of that well is 270
As he finished the calculation Murphy shouts, 'LOOK OUT!!' and
he pushed O'Brien backwards and a goat ran between them and
jumped head first down the well.
Murphy said, 'My God, I've never seen anything like
Just then a farmer walks into the clearing and said, 'What's
going on here boys?'
O'Brien says, 'We just figured out the depth of this well to be
about 270 feet deep and then the strangest thing happened. A
goat ran between the two of us and jumped head first down into
The farmer says, 'Thank heaven it wasn't one of my goats.'
Murphy says, 'How do you know it weren't?'
And the farmer says, 'Because all of my goats are tethered to
big heavy logs.'
humor for your reading entertainment.
It seems three Irishmen, Sean, Michael and Tim, passed over at the same time.
Upon encountering the Pearly Gates, they were met by ST. Patrick himself, and he
addressed the boys thusly: "Lads, I'm here to welcome you to heaven where you
will spend eternity. Just remember one thing, when you go through these gates,
don't step on any of the ducks or you'll be punished for eternity.
Sean went in first and was amazed to see that the entire landscape was
encompassed by ducks, and try as he might, sure enough he stepped on one. He was
immediately joined by one of the homeliest colleens he's ever laid eyes on, and
she said, "Well love, you stepped on a duck and now we're together for all time."
And of course the exact same thing happened to Michael only his companion was
even the worse for wear.
By this time Tim was absolutely terrified. And he gingerly managed to make it
most of the way across the court without stepping on a single duck. Suddenly,
his arm was taken by a young lass. Tim looked over and beheld the most
beautiful, graceful, blue-eyed woman he's ever seen in all his life. He gasped,
"I don't understand it!"
The young beauty answered, "Well I'm sure I don't either, I was walking along
minding my own business, when all of a sudden I stepped on a duck."
An Irish woman of a "certain age" visited her doctor to ask his help in reviving
her husband's sex drive.
"What about trying Viagra?", asks the doctor.
"Not a chance", she said. "He won't even take an aspirin."
"No a problem", replied the doctor. "Drop it in his coffee, he won't even taste
it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went".
A week later she rang up the doctor, who directly inquired as to the progress.
The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! 'Twas horrid, just
"Really? What happened?", asked the doctor.
"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee, didn't I? The effect
was almost immediate. He jumped his'self straight up, with a twinkle in his eye,
and with this pants a-bulging
fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying,
ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there, making wild, mad,
passionate love to me on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you!"
"Why so terrible?", asked the doctor. "Do you mean you didn't enjoy it?"
"Of course I did doctor! Indeed, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years. But
I'll never be able to show me face at the Local cafe again!"
Soon after O'Shaughnessy clocked in for work, the foreman called him over and
told him that he had a phone call in the front office.
When O'Shaughnessy returned, he had a mournful expression on his face and his
head hung low. His foreman noticed and asked if it was bad news.' To be shure it
was, Boss, 'he replied, 'I just found out from Ireland that my mother died
earlier this morning.'
'Gosh, that's awful, 'replied the foreman, 'Do you want the rest of the day
off?' 'No, 'replied O'Shaughnessy. ' I'll finish the day out.'
About an hour later, the foreman returned to inform him that there was another
phone call for him in the office. This time when O'Shaughnessy returned he
looked twice as glum, and the foreman asked if everything was alright.
'Bejeezuz Boss, its even worse news. That was my brother, and his mother died
The Boston taxi driver backed into the stationary fruit stall and within seconds
he had a cop beside him.
"Same as mine. Where are you from?"
"Same as me......"
The policeman paused with his pen in the air.
"Hold on a moment and I'll come back and talk about the old county. I want to
say something to this fella that ran into the back of your cab."
Two Irish friends greeted each other
while waiting their turn at the bank window. "This reminds
me of Finnegan," remarked one.
"What about Finnegan?" inquired the other.
"'Tis a story that Finnegan
died, and when he greeted St. Peter, he said: 'It's a fine
job you've had here for a long time.' 'Well, Finnegan,' said
St. Peter, 'here we count a million years as a minute and a
million dollars as a cent.'
'Ah!' said Finnegan, 'I'm needing cash. Lend me a cent.'
'Sure,' said St. Peter, 'just wait a minute.'"
'Angering the Irishman'
Three Englishmen were in a bar and spotted an Irishman. So, one of the
Englishmen walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder, and said,
"Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a drunken loser."
"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that."
Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Patrick was
a loser, and he didn't care." The second Englishman remarked, "You just don't
know how to set him off...watch and learn." So, the second Englishman walked
over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "Hey, I hear your St.
Patrick was lying, cheating, idiotic, low-life scum!"
"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that."
Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his buddies. "You're right.
The third Englishman remarked, "Boys, I'll really tick him off... just watch."
So the third Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder
and said, "I hear St. Patrick was an Englishman!"
"Yeah, that's what your buddies were trying to tell me."
We will be adding a few more sections to
this site before putting it to bed for the year.
The Naptown Nomands in association with
like to thank you for continuing to amuse yourselves amongst our many pages.
Hope it was worth a chuckle or three.
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