Barbie's Letter to Santa Dear Santa,
Listen you little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing
at being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in
frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties,
and I hate to break it to ya, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME! There
had better be some changes around here this year, or I'm gonna call for
a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won't wanna be around to smell
So, here are my demands:
1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt
I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these bathing
suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon
and velcro crawling up your butt?
2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white and
cotton. What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation
underwear to my skin?! It looks like cellulite!
3. Breast reduction surgery, please! I don't care whose arm you have to
twist, just get it done. And a sports bra to wear until I get the
4. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it. How
about a systems analyst or martial arts instructor? Or better yet, an
advertising account exec!
5. A new, more 90s persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie," complete with a
miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag
of chips; "Animal Rights Barbie," with my very own paint gun, outfitted
with a fake fur coat and handcuffs; or "Stop Smoking Barbie," sporting a
removable Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum.
6. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl.
7. A REAL man... maybe GI Joe. Hell, I'd take Tickle Me Elmo over that
wimp of a boyfriend, Ken. And what's with the earring anyway? If I'm
gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him (and me) anatomically
8. Mattel stock options. It's been nearly 40 years-I deserve it.
9. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp
away once he is anatomically correct.
Ok, Santa, that's it. Considering my valuable contribution to society, I
don't think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you
can find yourself a new bimbo doll for next Christmas. It's that simple
Ken's Letter To Santa
I understand that one of my colleagues has petitioned you for changes in
her contract, specifically asking for anatomical and career changes. In
addition, it is my understanding that disparaging remarks were made
about me, my ability to please, and some of my fashion choices. I would
like to take this opportunity to inform you of some of the issues
concerning Ms. Barbie, and some of my own needs and desires.
First of all, I along with several other colleagues feel Barbie DOES NOT
deserve preferential treatment-the bitch has everything. I, along with
Joe, Jem, and Raggedy Ann & Andy, DO NOT have a dreamhouse, corvette,
evening gowns, and in some cases, the ability to change our hair style.
I personally have only 3 outfits which I am forced to mix and match at
great length. My decision to accessorize my outfits with an earring was
my decision and reflects my lifestyle choice.
I too would like a change in career. Have you ever considered "Decorator
Ken," "Beauty Salon Ken," or "Out of work Actor Ken?" And as for Barbie
needing bendable arms so she can "push me away," I could use bendable
knees so I can kick the bitch to the curb.
In closing, I would like to point out that any further concessions to
the blonde bimbo from hell will result in action be taken by myself and
And Barbie can forget about GI Joe-he's mine.