What if Santa answered his mail honestly...
Dear Santa I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer.
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I send you a frigging book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell!
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is Peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Your parents smoked pot while you were in gestation, didn't they?
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my Mommy and Daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me get you some nice Legos instead.
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.
Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor?
Leave me a bottle of scotch.