A merry Samhain, and All Hallows Eve to you all

From Humorcafe.com and Allfunpix.com

We hope you like the selection. We don't guarantee that you will find all of these Halloween jokes funny but we didn't write them so it's not or fault. Hopefully we have collected enough Halloween Humor to amuse you for a time. Be sure to share this link, pass this page around to help us out.  It will surely grow year by year.

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Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Phillip who?
Phillip my bag with candy!


And Now For Some Halloween Funnies

One Halloween this woman opens her door to find an adorable little girl, dressed as an Angel with golden blond curly hair and the biggest blue eyes.

The woman said, "what are you supposed to say sweetheart?"

The little girl looks up at the woman and says "Twick or Tweat!"

The woman calls her husband to come to the door. The woman say to the child, "Go ahead honey say it just one more time."

Once again the little Angel looks up and says, "Twick or Tweat!"

The husband agrees with his wife, this little Angel is just the cutest thing. The woman picks an apple from the Treat Bowl, shines it up with her apron, and drops it into the little girl's Treat Bag.

The little Angel looks in her bag then looks up at the woman and says, "Thanks a lot lady, you just broke my fucking cookies!"

And here is my Favorite, The Best Halloween Joke of All Time

Mrs. Jones opens her door to find Lil Billy, from next door, on her porch.
"Yaarrrrr! Trick or Treat" says Billy brandishing his fake hook for a hand. Billy has on his eye patch and little fake parrot on his shoulder and topped his costume of with the skull and crossbones hat. Deciding to play mystery costume she asks.
"Oh my, and what are you supposed to be?"
"Yarrr!, says Billy again," adding, "I be a pirate!"
"Oh!" says Mrs. Jones. "A Pirate, but, where are your Bucaneers?" she asks.
"Yarrr!" says Billy. "They be under me Buckin Hat!"

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Here is a quick selection of Some Halloween Quick Groaner Jokes.
Why was the skeleton afraid to cross the road?
It had no guts...

How do witches keep their hair in place while flying?
With scare spray...

What did Dracula say when he kissed his vampire girlfriend?

How do monsters tell their future?
They read their horrorscope...

What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a vampire?
A fur coat that fangs around your neck...
What do ghosts add to their morning cereal?

What do zombies like to eat at a cook out?

Mother vampire to son:
Hurry up and eat your breakfast before it clots.

Why don't witches wear panties?
They get a better grip on their brooms.

Daddy, why do all the other kids call me werewolf?
Be quiet son, just go and comb your face!
The door bell, rings, and a man answers it. Here stands this plain but well dressed kid, saying, "Trick or Treat!"

The man asks the kids what he's dressed up like for Halloween. The kid says, "I'm an IRS agent." Then he takes 28% of the man's candy, leaves, and doesn't say Thank You.


The orthopedic surgeon I work for was moving to a new office, and his staff was helping transport many of the items.

I sat the display skeleton in the front of my car, his bony arm across the back of my seat. I hadn't considered the drive across town. At one traffic light, the stares of the people in the car beside me became obvious, and I looked across and explained, "I'm delivering him to my doctor's office."

The other driver leaned out of his window. "I hate to tell you, lady," he said, "but I think it's too late!"


Two medical residents were invited to a costume party after their shift ended. They stopped at the Army/Navy store to see if they could find costumes but but only had enough money to buy one pair of fatigues.

One wore the top half and one one wore the bottom half.

Q: What did they go as?
A: An upper and lower GI.



There was a seminar on "Psychic Phenomena" going on, when the speaker decided to involve the audience. He first asked, "Everyone who has ever seen a ghost, please stand up." Well, nearly the entire audience stood up.

He then asked, "Everyone who has ever had a close encounter with a ghost, please remain standing." About 2 dozen people were still standing.

He then asked how many people had been in the same room as a ghost and 6 people stood up.

Finally he asked, "Anyone who has ever had SEX with a ghost, please remain standing." Everyone sat down except this one man.

When the speaker demanded if he had REALLY had sex with a ghost, the guy replied, "Oh, I am very sorry, I thought you said GOAT."



Aries pushes the others aside to get to the door first.

Taurus will only eat the finest of Swiss chocolates.

Gemini goes around the neighbourhood once, changes costumes and goes around again.

Cancer stays at home and gives candy to the other trick-or-treaters.

Leos plan their costume for months, then won't go out because someone else had the same idea.

Virgo wears a neatly-pressed suit and tells everyone they're a bookkeeper.

Libra is still standing in front of the closet trying to decide on a costume.

Scorpio isn't in it for the candy.

Sagittarius will manage to wander to the next town.

Capricorn makes a list of all the houses that give good candy and the optimal route to take.

Aquarius builds the costume out of spare flashlights and spends all night tinkering when it shorts.

Pisces skips the whole thing to compose poetry to the Moon.

10 Things That Sound Dirty On Halloween, But Aren't...

1. So...What'd you get in the sack?

2. Once you get under the sheet, start moaning and groaning!!!

3. Just hop on that broomstick and ride it!

4. Those small suckers are gone in a few licks!

5. I got the best piece from that house.

6. Quit screwing around on the porch!!!

7. Stick your hand in and guess what you're feeling....

8. It was so filled and heavy, I had to use TWO hands!!

9. They'll suck you dry if they get their teeth in you.

10. I bobbed and bobbed, but couldn't get my mouth around it!

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Hopin that made ya giggle just a little bittle. Thanks for taken the time to check it all out.
Wishing you a safe and happy Halloween for you and all your family.

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