A HAPPY HALLOWEEN JOKES PAGE.
We hope you
like the selection. We don't guarantee that you will find all of these
Halloween jokes funny but we didn't write them so it's not or fault. Hopefully
we have collected enough Halloween Humor to amuse you for a time. Be sure to
share this link, pass this page around to help us out.
It will surely grow year by year.
|Here is a quick selection of Some Halloween Quick Groaner Jokes.|
What do ghouls eat for breakfast?
Ghost toasties with evaporated milk.
What is a vampire's favorite mode of transportation?
A blood vessel...
What is a ghost's favorite mode of transportation?
What did the Dracula say to his teacher?
See you next Period!
What type of dog do vampire's like the best?
What do birds give out on Halloween night?
Why don't witches ever have babies?
Warlocks have hollow weenies.
Why can't Witches have babies?
Because their husbands have crystal balls
Why do vampires need mouthwash?
They have bat breath...
What's a vampire's favorite fast food?
A guy with very high blood pressure...
|Please Forgive us if the Section above contains duplicates from other pages. There are ton's of these jokes out there.|
|A man was walking
home alone one night when he heard a
"BUMP....BUMP....BUMP..." behind him. Walking
faster, he looked back, making out an image of
an upright coffin banging its way down the
middle of the street towards
The man began to run toward his home, and the coffin boiunced after him faster....faster...BUMPBUMPBUMP.
He ran up to his door, fumbled with his keys, opened the door, rushed in, and locked it behind him. The coffin crashed through his door, with the lid of the coffin clapping BUMP...BUMP...BUMP... on the heals of the terrified man. The man rushed upstairs to the bathroom and locked himself in, heart pounding.
With a CRASH, the coffin broke down the door, coming slowly toward him. The man while screaming, reached for something, anything....all he can find was a box of cough drops which he hurled at the coffin...and suddenly "the coffin stops."
Just in case you have forgotten the 20 rules for a safe and Happy Halloween!
1. When it appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER check to see if it's really dead.
2. Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.
3. Do not search the basement, especially if the power has gone out.
4. If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. However, it will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared. This also applies to kids who speak with somebody else's voice.
5. When you have the benefit of numbers, NEVER pair off and go it alone.
6. As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.
7. Never stand in, on, or above a grave, tomb, or crypt. This would apply to any other house of the dead as well.
8. If you're searching for something which caused a loud noise and find out that it's just the cat, GET THE HELL OUT!
9. If appliances start operating by themselves, do not check for short circuits; just get out!
10. Do not take ANYTHING from the dead.
11. If you find a town which looks deserted, there's probably a good reason for it. Don't stop and look around.
12. Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you're doing.
13. If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.
14. If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, kill them immediately.
15. Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (you're in trouble if you recognize this one), the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.
16. If your car runs out of gas at night on a lonely road, do not go to the nearby deserted looking house to phone for help. If you think that it is strange because you thought you had 3/4 of a tank, shoot yourself instead. You are going to die anyway, and most likely be eaten.
17. Beware of strangers bearing strange tools. For example: chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any devices made from deceased companions.
18. If you find that your house is built upon a cemetery, now is the time to move in with the in-laws. This also applies to houses that had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed satanic practices in your house.
19. If you find that:
a. your house is built upon or near a cemetery,
b. was once a church that was used for black masses,
c. had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion, or
d. had inhabitants who performed satanic practices in your house,
MOVE AWAY IMMEDIATELY.
20. Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you are doing.
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.
He told them to knock it off and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.
"OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees.
Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.
"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.
"Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy. "Good," said the first bat, "Because I DIDN'T!"
Top 10 Signs You Are Too
Old to Be Trick or Treating
10. You get winded from knocking on the door.
9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.
8. You ask for high fiber candy only.
7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.
6. People say, "Great Keith Richards mask!" and you're not wearing a mask.
5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..." and can't remember the rest.
4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.
3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece.
2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.
1. You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live.
Tell All Your FaceBook Peeps
Hopin that made ya giggle just a little bittle. Thanks for taken the
time to check it all out.
Wishing you a safe and happy Halloween for you and all your family.
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