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Election Mess Brings Lots Of Distress! from MELVIN DURAI'S HUMOR COLUMN Thanks to the miracle of television, we bring you the 517th special report on the presidential election. Here's veteran anchorman Bernard Shaw: SHAW: "Hello and welcome back to CNN's breaking-news coverage of America's election mess, caused by thousands of incompetent voters, who will forever be remembered as 'The Florida Flakes.' First, a program reminder. Tonight, we'll have our 15th consecutive townhall meeting from Palm Beach County. The topic of tonight's meeting is: 'What do fishermen think of the electoral college?' After that, we'll have a special edition of 'Larry King Live.' Larry's guest tonight is Michael Smith, a West Palm Beach resident who has filed suit in federal court, arguing that his vote, for both Vice President Gore and Pat Buchanan, should be counted, because he has a split personality. Also appearing on the show will be Smith's neighbor, Monica Jones, who claims that she and about 19,000 other Florida residents voted for two presidential candidates on the same ballot because they were certain that America has two presidents: Bill Clinton and Martin Sheen. Since Sheen plays a president on the NBC show 'The West Wing,' Jones and other voters plan to sue the network for 'deceptive programming.' They also intend to sue Sheen for 'deceptive acting.' Another suit has been filed by a group of people who inadvertently voted for Al Gore, when they intended to vote for Gore Vidal. Now we take you live to the White House, where President Clinton is addressing the nation." CLINTON: "My fellow Americans, over the past two weeks, our nation has become the laughingstock of the world. That disturbs me deeply, because I've worked hard over the last eight years to avoid any sort of ridicule. I want to take this time to answer some important questions facing the nation, such as: Who will be the next president? What will become of the electoral college? Why do we allow people in Florida to vote? Some of you are concerned that America will be leaderless, while others aren't worried, believing the country has been leaderless for the last eight years. But that's not true at all. I've been a great leader. Just ask any female senator from New York. I also want to assure you that I'm prepared to continue leading America until this election crisis is resolved, sometime in 2020." SHAW: "We have to interrupt the president's statements to bring you some new developments. The Associated Press is reporting that Governor Bush's lead over Vice President Gore has evaporated. Gore grabbed the lead after about one million absentee ballots arrived this morning from China. CNN has learned that Gore received 999,999 of those votes and Bush received 1. Nevertheless, Gore has demanded a recount. Bush supports the recount and also wants the ballots to undergo DNA analysis. He's also considering two other types of analysis: GOP and MSG. About 80 percent of Americans support a recount, according to a USA Today/CNN/Gallup/Gore Poll. The poll also found that 67% of Americans are already sick and tired of Gore and Bush, and would rather be led by Oprah. Let's now go live to West Palm Beach, where two Democratic leaders, the Rev. Jesse Jackson and Warren Christopher, are addressing a rally of voters protesting the ballots." JACKSON: "The ballot was unfair, that's why we must care. We're here, not out of fear, but to express our distress over the election mess. It's clear to the laymen, it's clear to the gay men. You cannot put this black ink on this white paper and not have concerned citizens asking why. Why, in a free country, must black always be on white? Why, in a free country, can't we have white on black?" CHRISTOPHER: "Thank you, Jesse. There are several other problems with the ballot. For example, we sent the ballot to world-renowned mathematician Rajiv Desai and, after only 12 hours of intense analysis, he has discovered a serious discrepancy that likely affected the election. The diameter of Vice President Gore's hole on the ballot is .001 percent smaller than Governor Bush's. In other words, Governor Bush has a bigger hole than Vice President Gore. That is unfair. All we want, all the American public want, is for the holes to be equal." JACKSON: "Equal holes, not equal goals. Gore's hole is much less, so we have an election mess. When the hole is smaller, we will always holler." SHAW: "Now let's go live to another part of West Palm Beach, where our reporter John King has a live report with live people." KING: "Thanks, Bernie. I'm here at ground zero, taking the pulse of the nation. I just asked several voters what they think of the electoral college. Here's what they said." MIDDLE-AGED WOMAN: "The electoral college is fine, but I'd rather send my kids to a private college." TWENTY-SOMETHING MAN: "The electoral college is unfair to those of us who never went to college. We should get rid of it and instead have an electoral high school." TEEN-AGE GIRL: "I learned in school that the electoral college was created by our founding fathers. I think it would work better if they had remembered to consult our founding mothers." SIXTY-SOMETHING MAN: "I support the electoral college. I just wish more people would attend it. Then maybe they'd learn how to vote properly." KING: "As you can see, Bernie, these Floridians have mixed opinions on the electoral college." SHAW: "Yes, John, they sound pretty mixed up." ----------------------------------------------------------- Melvin Durai is a Shippensburg, Pennsylvania-based writer and humorist. A native of India, he grew up in Zambia and moved to the U.S. in the early 1980s. Read his other columns at http://www.funnycolumns.com mdurai@mail.cvn.net |
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