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Happy Thanks Giving Everybody!

Our Thanksgiving Sans Martha Stewart
 

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Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this  Thanksgiving.

      I'm telling you in advance, so don't act surprised. Since Ms. Stewart won't be coming, I've made a few small changes:

      Our sidewalk will not be lined with homemade, paper bag luminaries.

     After a trial run, it was decided that no matter how  cleverly done, rows of flaming lunch sacks do not have the  desired    welcoming effect.

      Once inside, our guests will note that the entry  hall is not decorated with the swags of Indian corn and fall foliage I had planned to make.

     Instead, I've gotten the kids involved in the  decorating by having them track in colorful autumn leaves from the front  yard.  The mud was their idea.

      The dining table will not be covered with expensive  linens, fancy china, or crystal goblets. If possible, we  will use dishes that match and everyone will get a fork.

      Since this IS Thanksgiving, we will refrain from  using the plastic Peter Rabbit plate and the Santa napkins  from last Christmas.

      Our centerpiece will not be the tower of fresh fruit  and flowers that I promised.  Instead we will be  displaying a    hedgehog-like decoration hand-crafted from the finest construction paper.

      The artist assures me it is a turkey.

      We will be dining fashionably late. The children will entertain you while you wait.  I'm sure they will be  happy to share every choice comment I have made regarding    Thanksgiving, pilgrims and the turkey hotline.

     Please remember that most of these comments were made at 5:00 a.m. upon discovering that the turkey was still hard    enough to cut diamonds.

      As accompaniment to the children's recital, I will  play a recording of tribal drumming. If the children should mention that I don't own a recording of tribal drumming, or that tribal drumming sounds suspiciously like a frozen turkey in a clothes dryer, ignore them.

      They are lying.

      We toyed with the idea of ringing a dainty silver bell to announce the start of our feast. In the end, we  chose to keep our traditional method.

     We've also decided against a formal seating arrangement. When the smoke alarm sounds, please gather around the table and sit where you like.

      Now, I know you have all seen pictures of one person carving a turkey in front of a crowd of appreciative onlookers.

      This will not be happening at our dinner.

      For safety reasons, the turkey will be carved in a private ceremony. I stress "private" meaning: do not, under any    circumstances, enter the kitchen to laugh at me. Do not send small, unsuspecting children to check on my progress. I have an electric knife. The turkey is unarmed.

      It stands to reason that I will eventually win. When I do, we will eat.  

    I would like to take this opportunity to remind my young diners that "passing the rolls" is not a football play. Nor is it a request to bean your sister in the head with warm, tasty bread.

      Oh, and one reminder for the adults:    For the duration of the meal, and especially while in the presence of young diners, we will refer to the giblet gravy by its lesser-known name: Cheese Sauce. If a young diner questions you regarding the origins or type of Cheese Sauce, plead ignorance.

      Before I forget, there is one last change.  Instead of offering a choice among 12 different scrumptious desserts, we will be serving the traditional pumpkin pie, garnished with whipped cream and small fingerprints.

      You will still have a choice, though: take it or leave it. Thought you might all enjoy.

         Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this Thanksgiving. She probably won't come next year either.  

    I am thankful.

 


 
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